“I learned something. I need to never say ‘um’ again.”

That’s one of my podcast coaching clients after he finished editing his second episode. It’s true, we use filler words way more often than we realize. 

‘Um’, ‘uh’, ‘like,’ ‘well,’ ‘so’ and others are linguistic crutches we use either because we aren’t thinking as fast as we’re talking, or we simply got into the habit as children and no one ever corrected us.

It’s not just words we use to fill the silence, however. It’s phrases, expressions, and attitudes as well.

“How are you?”

“Fine, thanks. And you?”

“Hangin’ in there.”

We’re so accustomed to filler phrases they’ve become white noise, so much so that we’ll respond to the wrong question and nobody notices.

“What’s good?”

“Fine, thanks.”

Why bother correcting it? It’s not like the question or the answer was sincere. Somewhere along the way society collectively got uncomfortable with quiet moments.

But great communicators know the magic is in the silence.

Listen Carefully

“I was in the desert once, out in the middle of nowhere, absolutely nowhere. Just me, the sand, and silence. But if you know what to listen for, it ain’t silent out there. I heard a music out there I’ve never heard before, in the silence.”
-Eddie and the Cruisers Part II

Given the opportunity, most people will open up. Almost everyone feels lonely, and almost nobody feels seen. But they need to feel safe opening up, and that starts with creating space, emotionally and verbally.

Too often we ask someone a question but don’t offer them any room to answer. We’re so nervous that we’ve overstepped a boundary after just one second of silence that we barrel on forward with a new thought, idea, or anecdote of our own. 

Next time you’re trying to connect with a stranger, or even a friend or family member, ask a meaningful question and then pause. Go silent. And keep waiting until they say something. It might take three seconds. Maybe even five or ten seconds. The silence will seem unbearable, but hold out. Don’t break. Don’t talk. Just wait.

I’d say 9 out of 10 times, when your conversational partner realizes you’re actually giving them space to think about their answer and offer value without being trampled on, you’ll be blown away by the depth and quality of their response.

And when you start having real conversations about things that matter, you won’t believe you’ve drifted through life engaged in the meaningless drivel that make up the vast majority of our daily interactions.

Intentional Small Talk

I’m not saying all “small talk” is bad. The key is to be intentional about our questions, and attentive in our listening.

This week I had the true honor of sitting down with Cal Fussman on the Beyond Networking podcast. 

Cal is a renowned interviewer, award-winning journalist, New York Times bestselling author, and Writer-at-Large for Esquire magazine where he spent decades getting chronicling the most incredible stories from the world’s most influential people, like Mikhail Gorbachev, Serena Williams, Jimmy Carter, Ted Kennedy, Jeff Bezos, Quincy Jones, Muhammad Ali, and Kobe Bryant.

What does Cal think about small talk?

“Asking about the weather because you don’t know what to say and feel awkward in the silence is not something I recommend. Much better to talk about ice cream. 

You can pretty much go up to anybody you meet on the street and ask, “I’m from out of town. Where’s the best place to get ice cream around here?” It’s liable to start a conversation. 

If you want to take that conversation levels deeper, you can. Because people like to talk about ice cream. It makes them happy. And as they’re talking about ice cream, it may make them bring up their kids, or deep stories about the community. You can use a question like that, it’s non-threatening, to start a conversation. That’s my definition of small talk.”

Given his reputation as a world class interviewer, who often pulled deeply personal and tightly-held stories from traditionally closed-off people, Cal is often asked, “What’s the magic question you ask to get someone to open up?”

He said to me, “That’s like asking you where the make-it-sound-good button is! It don’t exist!”

The key to intentional small talk is giving people the feeling of being truly listened to, often for the first time in their life. And that’s what human connection is all about.

Embracing the pause isn’t just the ticket to deep, meaningful connections. According to Cal, who learned this lesson from a world famous surfer, it’s also the secret to success in business. Because when a 50-ft wave crashes down on you, and you’re at the bottom of the ocean, fighting it isn’t going to get you anywhere. Much better to close your eyes, let your body go loose, and allow the ocean to take you to a new location. Then, when you’ve paused long enough, there will be an opening, a moment of clarity, during which you can shoot to the surface. But you’ll never notice that opportunity if you’re kicking, flailing, and angry.

Listen or watch my entire deep-dive with Cal below. We discussed all things human connection, how technology has changed his career, and what he’s up to since the pandemic took away our ability to connect in-person.

Listen to the audio-only version here.