They said, “Are you even listening to me?”

And I thought, what a strange way to start a conversation.

It’s increasingly rare to feel like someone is truly listening when we talk.

Not that I blame them. Between our devices and the insane pace of modern life, asking someone to drop everything and focus on me is a herculean task. And to expect them not to just listen to what I’m saying, but understand why I’m saying it?

Forget it.

If you feel like no one ever listens to you – your family, your friends, your colleagues, your boss – you’re not alone. Over 2 out of every 3 Americans feel lonely or isolated on a regular basis.

Lonely people have higher rates of anxiety, depression, and suicide. They even have a 50% increased risk of dementia. At work lonely people are less engaged, less productive, twice as likely to miss work due to stress and 5x as likely to miss work due to illness.

They also think about quitting their jobs twice as often, and act on it.

When we don’t feel heard, it has a devastating impact on every aspect of our lives. And when it’s 2 out of 3 people, that means if it’s not you, it’s someone in your household, your immediate friend group, or on your team.

This isn’t their problem. It’s your problem and my problem.

What is Introversion?

Complicating matters, nearly half the population identify as introverts.

Most introverts aren’t shy. That’s a common misunderstanding. Introversion and extroversion have to do with energy: Extroverts gain energy from being around others, while introverts gain energy from alone time.

As an extrovert, I enjoy my alone time. But after an hour or so, I need social interaction to refuel my battery. I can talk to people at a party for 8 straight hours without getting tired.

My wife is an introvert. She enjoys socializing, but after an hour or so, needs her alone time to refuel. She can sit quietly by herself reading for 8 straight hours without getting tired, or bored.

And that wouldn’t be a problem, except that it puts introverts at a natural disadvantage when it comes to the social dynamics of life and work. People who talk more, or talk louder, are perceived as more authoritative, despite a wealth of research that clearly indicates there is no correlation between how often one talks and how many good ideas they have.

“Why are you so quiet?”

“Why don’t you ever pitch any ideas?”

“Are you okay?”

Ask an introvert any of those questions and the answer you’ll get is simple: Because no one listens anyway, so why bother?

Here’s how my wife explained it to me when we were first dating:

“You extroverts just talk, talk, talk. Most of what you say isn’t important, but you have the need to just keep talking. And that’s fine. But as an introvert, I don’t talk unless I’m sure what I’m saying is useful or important to the listener.

 

That means I spend a lot of time thinking. And when I finally decide something I have is important, either the conversation has already changed topics because the extroverts are talking a million miles per minute, or I start to say my thing and get interrupted anyway.

 

So eventually I just stopped trying.”

I’d never understood introverts until Lindsey explained it like that. And ever since then I, an extreme extrovert, have been much more aware of how I present myself and create space for others in conversations.

** For more on this, I wrote about introversion in Chapter 4 of my book Three New People.  I also recommend Susan Cain’s global bestseller Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. **

3 Tools to Make Yourself Heard

But you can’t control others, only your own thoughts and actions.

With that in mind, here are 3 tools to make people listen to you – whether you’re a shy person, an introvert, or even an extrovert who feels like no one is listening.

And no, I’m not going to tell introverts to act more like extroverts. Goodness knows we make enough noise as it is.

Speak into the Listening

In Season 3 of my podcast Beyond Networking I had the honor of sitting down with Julian Treasure, a world renowned expert on sound and communication. His TED talks have over 80 million views combined.

Julian and I chatted about how to speak so that people want to listen. His advice was so smart and so actionable that it makes up 2 of the 3 tools on this list.

The first is all about being sensitive to the receiver’s listening position, or listening to the listening. Here’s how Julian explains it:

“The biggest mistake I see people making is assuming that everybody listens like I do. And they do not.

 

Because we listen through a set of filters. It’s very important to be sensitive to those things: the culture, the language, your values, attitudes, beliefs…

 

And I think many, many of the people who have the problem of not being listened to, it’s largely because they don’t ask that question:

 

What’s the listening I’m speaking into?”

This is a transformational realization. You’re always speaking in a “listening position,” and that everyone’s is different and even changes throughout the day, and from day-to-day.

That’s why active listening is such a hot topic in the communication industry. When you truly understand the perspective of your conversational partner, you’ll be able to speak with them in a way that makes them want to listen to you.

So, in a roundabout way, getting people to listen to you is about being a better listener.

Contracts

The second is what Julian calls “listening contracts.” He demonstrated by asking me,

“So, Brian, do you have five minutes? I really need to talk to you.”

I said, “I do.”

“Well thank you,” he said. “So then I have a contract.”

Here’s how Julian explained it:

“You’ve just committed to listen to me for five minutes. How many times did we just pile straight in? And we don’t know if the person’s just had terrible news, or is wondering what they’re going to buy for lunch, or is upset because they’ve just had an argument with somebody, or has a tremendously important thing they’ve got to do in three minutes and they haven’t got time to listen right now.

 

And it’s hard to turn that down, if you really have got five minutes. And then by making that contract, you’ve actually bought five minutes of listening, which is very, very valuable.”

People like to keep their word, to uphold their promises. That’s what makes this technique so effective. You’re asking for a very reasonable amount of time – who hasn’t got 5 minutes? – to discuss something that you’ve already told them is important to you.

If you need a quick and easy shortcut to get someone to listen to you about something specific, this is a great tool.

The Grade School Method

Tell them what you’re going to tell them.

Then, tell them.

Then, tell them what you told them.

Yep, it still works as adults. In a world of 3-second attention spans one of the biggest mistakes communicators make is not being crystal clear and somewhat obvious about the point of their conversation.

I’m super guilty of this one in casual conversation. I love telling stories. I love building suspense and revealing twists and turns. But people are busy, and often if they don’t know precisely why you’re telling them whatever you’re telling them, they are just going to tune out.

If you find people are listening when you start talking, but then drift in and out, or lose focus completely, then try to structure your communication in the above 3 step process.

“Bill, I want to talk to you about moving the weekly meeting from Thursdays at 4:00pm to Tuesdays at 11:00am. Here are the reasons I think we should change the meeting day and time. This is my proof of why we should do it. And that’s why we should change the weekly meeting from Thursday at 4:00pm to Tuesdays at 11:00am. What do you think?”

Give them the end goal or main point of your conversation right up front. Then make your case, and then remind them of the main point once again.

You can also implement this in emails. Almost everyone writes emails in exactly the wrong order.

“Hi Bill,

Hope you’re well. How are the kids?

I think we should change the weekly meeting from Thursdays to Tuesdays. Here are 3 paragraphs why I think we should do that.

Brian.”

Instead, put the main point of the email right up front. That’s what someone wants to know when they open your email – why did you send this, and what do you want from me?

So, give them the information they want to know right away. Then close the email with small-talk, compliments, or personal references. Now the thing they want to know is the first thing they read, and the positive, uplifting, human thing is the last thing they’re left with.

You’ve instantly transformed an email from a chore to a useful communication tool.

Being Heard in a Noisy World

In this article we learned 3 specific tools you can implement to make it more likely you will be listened to in any given conversation: 1) Speak into a listening, 2) establish a listening contract, 3) be clear about the main point.

Yes, us extroverts need to do a better job of creating environments where the more considered, less-talkative have space to be heard. It’s not an easy change, but that change is indeed coming.

Send this article to the extroverts in your life. After all, even extroverts want to be listened to. And while they’re here they’ll hopefully discover something about introverts they never knew before, like how the lightbulb went off for me years ago when my wife explained it.

One final note: Not everyone is going to give you the time of day, no matter what you do. It’s not your job or responsibility to change them. Model the principles of meaningful listening as best you can, encourage others to do the same, and ignore those who are selfish and uninterested.

The world will never be perfect. But we can make it better.