Description: When someone we care about is sad, it can be difficult to know what to say or how to help. However, a recent study shows that the mere act of reaching out and expressing support can have a positive impact on the recipient. In this blog post, we’ll explore the idea of not shopping with someone else’s emotional wallet and provide tips on how to comfort a sad friend.

 

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“Don’t shop with someone else’s wallet.”

I overheard my associate Lindsay Rae say that to one of our clients during the break of a messaging workshop I was leading.

“What was that all about?” I asked.

“Oh,” Lindsay said. “She’s really struggling to charge what she’s worth. She keeps undercharging for her services because she couldn’t afford to pay that much for a similar service. I told her she should never shop with someone else’s wallet.”

I was starting to get it.

“In other words,” she continued, “Don’t charge based on what you can afford. Charge based on what you’re worth, the industry, and your client’s expectations.”

So true. I actually learned that lesson the hard way back when I was a magician.

An Expensive Lesson

I’d been charging $250 for shows for years, because I couldn’t imagine paying more than that for a magician to do card tricks at my house.

Then one day I received a gig offer that, due to the conditions of the event, I absolutely didn’t want to do.

I couldn’t bring myself to turn it down, since I was broke and desperately needed the money. So I quoted an absurd amount knowing they would laugh me off of the call and I could blame it on them, instead of me feeling guilty about giving up a paycheck.

“It’s $2500 for 1 hour of card tricks during cocktail hour.”

Without missing a beat they said, “Great! Send us the contract.”

Uh oh. Not only did I have to do the gig, but I felt the sinking feeling that I’d been living as a starving artist for WAY longer than I should have.

So, what’s this got to do with comforting someone who is sad?

The Easiest Way to Comfort Someone

A recent study published in 2022 indicates that we vastly underestimate how helpful our efforts will be when reaching out to a friend, loved one, or colleague in need.

(This small study was conducted in part by Nicholas Epley, who wrote one of my most recommended books, Mindwise)

When someone is sad, how do you comfort them?

What are the right words?

What tone to use?

These kinds of questions tend to spiral us into of non-action.

In essence, people who offered messages of support to others they knew or who expressed support to a new acquaintance in person consistently underestimated how well those people would respond.

And here’s the key:

“Expressers may focus on how competent their support seems, whereas recipients may focus on the warmth it conveys”

In other words, we’re shopping with someone else’s emotional wallet.

We know how we prefer people to comfort us when we’re sad. We know how complex and particular our own emotions are. And so we assume that others are just as complex and particular, so we don’t reach out at all.

In fact the mere act of reaching out, of expressing support, of starting a conversation with good intentions, is more important than the words you choose or the advice you have to offer.

Remember: Every interaction is meaningful, and every person you meet matters.