Wow, this is super weird.

What are we even talking about?

Did I just say, “Cheese balls are my favorite summer-time appetizer?”

I need to get out of this conversation.

Embarrassment is a powerful force. It drives us to make decisions that aren’t always in our best interest, like bailing on a conversation.

Dozens of TEDx talks have told you small-talk is bad, arguing instead of BIG talk and asking strangers deep, meaningful questions. I’ve argued repeatedly that this is nonsense – small talk opens the door when it’s done right.

If you’re not already on the newsletter, head to https://SoftSkillsAreHard.com for my most popular free resource on navigating small talk.

But the key is, “when it’s done right.”

Too often we fail to get past the weather or the traffic. What stops us? It’s that we can’t think of a natural follow-up question, and anything interesting seems too personal, big, or weird to ask a stranger.

We think, “This has too much potential to be embarrassing, so I’d better not.”

But…

What if you ignored that instinct?

Yep, that’s what I asked

In my workshops on human connection I put people into random pairs for a reflective listening exercise, and they have to choose one of these or similar prompts:

1. 1. Describe someone who had a big impact on the person you’ve become.
   2. If you could talk to anyone in the world for an hour, who would it be? What would you talk about?
   3. If you had the opportunity to start your own business, what would it be and why?

Everyone thinks it’s going to be awkward or uncomfortable. These are colleagues, and in some cases their boss – people you’ll see again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day…

Do you really want to tell them about personal stuff like dreams, hopes, desires, beliefs?

Here’s the big secret: People LOVE this exercise. 

On post-workshop surveys it’s the most common answer to, “What did you enjoy most about today’s program?”

Turns out this is for good reason.

Wrong expectations create a barrier to deeper conversation

A recent study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology demonstrated the value in awkward conversations by running a similar experiment in controlled environments.

The researchers put strangers into pairs and gave them 10 minutes to answer these questions:

1. 1. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
   2. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, your future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
   3. If you were going to become a close friend with the other participant, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
   4. What is one of the most embarrassing moments in your life?
   5. Can you describe a time you cried in front of another person?

Even heavier than mine, right?

According to the published study:

“Participants’ conversations felt less awkward, and led to greater feelings of connectedness, than the participants expected before engaging in the conversation. … Although deep conversations did indeed feel more awkward than shallow conversations, the difference in participants’ expectations was roughly four times larger than the difference that participants actually experienced.”

So, yes, the deep conversations were more awkward than shallow conversations. But their expectation of how awkward was far out of proportion to how it actually went.

More importantly, participants felt much closer with their conversational partner after pushing through the awkwardness of a deep conversation than coasting through the ease of a shallow conversation.

Deep-conversation people were happier and felt more connected. In the age of isolation, what could be better than that?

Caveat

Let’s be clear: These findings, both in my own workshops and in the aforementioned study, are not real-world situations.

In both cases the participants know they are engaging in a communication exercise. That’s definitely going to make it easier to “play along” and open up, knowing that your partner is required to engage with the prompt the same as you are.

Out there in the world you have no idea how a stranger is going to respond to deep, meaningful questions while standing in line for coffee.

A lot of people are sharing the Inc.com article about this study, but I think that article really missed the point by stating “The next time you meet someone new, ditch the small talk.”

Sure, in a lab setting under agreed-upon conditions.

But in the real world, you’re much better off learning how to gradually shift casual conversation into deeper topics that get to the heart of someone’s values and beliefs.

When someone tells you their job, my favorite follow-up question is:

“What do you love about that?”

It’s a deep question that doesn’t sound deep. It gets people talking about their values and beliefs in a way that feels natural, an extension of the existing conversation.

By all means, ask a stranger, “What’s the most embarrassing moment in your life?”

Just be prepared for eye-rolls and side-stepping.