Have you ever found yourself in a conversation, physically there but mentally miles away?
In my book Three New People I argued that we often treat interactions as transactions. Yet, the power of being fully present can make others feel heard, understood, and valued, thereby turning everyday interactions into transformative, magical experiences.
I’m constantly on the lookout for examples of people creating this kind of conversational magic. And wouldn’t you know it, I found one in an short story relayed by Matt Damon.
A Hollywood Encounter
Matt Damon was on Conan speaking about a dinner he once had with Tom Cruise, when he asked Cruise about how he manages all those death-defying stunts without being scared.
But as Damon set up the story he made an aside to Conan:
Matt Damon: “You’ve met Cruise. You’re the only person in the world.”
Conan: “He looks you right in the eye.”
Matt Damon: “It’s not even that everything else disappears for him, everything else disappears for you!”
You can watch Damon tell the full story here:
Think about how powerful that experience was for Matt Damon. He’s a celebrity that gets more attention than most humans ever well. And yet, the feeling of being truly seen was substantial – so much that he almost derailed his own story on a Late Night appearance to make a point of it.
Imagine if you could make everyone you interact with feel like they’re the only person in the world?
Distractions are Detrimental
What is it that stops us from making the people in our lives feel heard, understood, and valued?
That was the primary question driving Three New People. The short answer is: We’re either not listening at all, listening to too many things at once, or listening in order to respond.
Three Problems from Three New People
Not listening at all is why we forget people’s names instantly after they tell us – we didn’t hear them the first time because while they were telling us their name, we were thinking about how to say our own.
Listening to too many things at once is what happens when someone’s telling us a story while we’re also checking the restaurant menu, or checking our email, or thinking about a fight we had earlier today, or planning a fight we’re going to have later today.
And listening in order to respond a habit most of us struggle to kick, which is listening only until we realize we have something to say, and then tuning out until we get a chance to say our thing.
1 Solution from One New Person
But here, Matt Damon brings up an additional point: It’s not just about listening.
When we are talking, we also have an opportunity to make our conversational partner feel truly valued, by treating them like they’re the only person in the world.
Damon has every material thing a person could want, but Cruise gave him something that neither money or fame can buy: presence.
That’s what presence really means.
The Power of Now
Pressence is not trivial—it’s extraordinary. It’s the subconscious feeling that this moment, the one you and I are sharing, is unique and special, and nothing else exists.
So, the next time you engage in a conversation, give the gift of your full presence. It’s a simple act that can lead to transformative experiences.
Note: I acknowledge Tom Cruise is a controversial public figure. This blog focuses on the lessons we can draw from his ability to be fully present in conversations, not his unconventional personal life.
Buy the Book: Three New People
Grab your copy of Three New People, my 2018 manifesto on human connection.
Tim David, author of Magic Words, said: “I felt like Keanu Reeves from The Matrix. I just closed the book and said, “I know conversational Kung Fu.””
One Amazon reviewer said, “We have “How to Win Friends and Influence People’ on the shelf, which is a classic. This is the modern, accessible version that anyone will enjoy.”
I love how this piece offers an experience of someone famous being almost humbled by just feeling seen and heard. Imagine how much we could all impact each others lives and psyche by just being present