People mean well.

Not everyone, and not all the time. But most people, most of the time, have good intentions. Or at least they think they do.

Have you ever made a joke intended in good humor, only to have it backfire and turn an entire room against you? Of course you have, and you’ve also been the recipient of a failed joke turned uncomfortable moment.

So, why are we quick to judge, or react?

Partly because we’ve been burned before by someone who also seemed well-intentioned, but ended up hurting us.

And partly due to “loss aversion” – losses hurt more than equivalent gains. In other words, you feel worse about losing $10 than you feel good about winning $10.

Therefore when someone says something you immediately disagree with or find insulting, our brain unconsciously weighs the pros and cons of giving them the benefit of the doubt. The possibility of trusting them and getting burned feels much worse than the potential upside of letting your guard down.

The problem, of course, is that’s a surefire way to close ourselves off to meaningful human connection.

And without connection, what’s the point of it all?

The best possible light

As a young philosophy student I was always eager to tear apart arguments. The first thing I did upon reading an assigned text was highlight things I disagreed with and vigorously scribble in the margins.

One time my professor stopped me.

“That’s not what the author is saying, Brian.”

 

“What? Of course it is. This guy is an idiot.”

Like so many young academics I was primed to search for faults rather than understanding. That’s when he introduced me to one of the most important principles in all of philosophy:

The Principle of Charity states that you should always interpret someone’s position in the best possible light, from the strongest possible stance.

I’ve since found it’s not just for academics.

A new lens

Next time your friend, mom, boss, employee, kid, teacher, LinkedIn connection, or significant other says something that triggers your instinct to argue, stop for a second. Ask them to repeat it, or re-read it.

Then assume their intentions are good, just like yours. Then interpret what they said in the best possible light.

When you do that, you’ll often find there are so many more possible meanings than the one that initially occurred to you. If you’re not sure exactly what they meant, ask them to explain it.

“I’m not sure I understand what you mean. Can you expand on that?”

It may be that they’re out to hurt you. But probably not.

As my client Lindsay Rae, The Body Image Activist, says: We tend to react through the lens of our past experiences.

The principle of charity is one way out, a pathway to responding in the present, and reclaiming our innate desire for connection.

(If you are American and happen to be reading this on the day it’s published, you’ll find it particularly useful over Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow with distant relatives and inlaws.)