The best part about business is people.

The hardest part about business… is people.

Each of us has a unique perspective, an outlook on the world that is shaped by our individual experiences and upbringing. That filter affects how we like to interact with others, and how we prefer others interact with us.

The primary reason relationships break down is when someone doesn’t feel valued for their contributions. This is true of romantic relationships, friendships, and especially true of work.

You’ve heard that the golden rule is wrong. It’s not “treat others how you want to be treated,” but rather, “treat others how they want to be treated.”

Okay, great. But how?

And especially, how are we supposed to do that in the context of a team or organization? Can we really treat different people differently, and still stay aligned on objectives?

Working with Different Personalities

I have a killer internal team.

It’s just three people, two full-time and one part-time. Many of my speaking clients, audience, and community – people like you – don’t realize I have a team at all, because of how well we work together.

But my 1-on-1 coaching clients interface directly with my personal assistant Shaque, our in-house graphic designer Liwy, and our in-house video editor Pixie.

Here’s a question I get all the time:

“Where did you find Shaque/Liwy/Pixie?! Do they have a friend or twin? How are they so good? I’ve never been able to find help as good as your team.”

The answer is simple: I didn’t find them. I invited them. What I did was create a story around my company, my story, my mission. Then I told that story on the job application and the applicants who were most likely to be a good fit self-selected.

What do I mean by “story”?

I don’t mean “once upon a time,” or “let me tell you how I founded this company.” I mean this.

What is the problem we solve as a company? 

How does that problem show up in people’s lives, and why is it wrong or unjust that people are dealing with this problem?

My ideal team member cares about this problem, because they themselves have experienced it before or someone close to them has. So they’re invested immediately in the story of my company, because we are committed to solving that problem.

What do you value and believe in?

We connect with others not over attributes or job titles, but over a shared set of values and beliefs.

When you meet someone and they tell you, “I’m an accountant,” too often we ask a boring follow-up question like, “How long have you been an accountant?” You don’t care about the answer to that, and neither do they. It’s a conversation-ender.

Instead, ask something like, “What do you love about accounting?” That gets them talking about their values and beliefs. You may not care about accounting, but maybe they love that accounting is one big puzzle, and it turns out you became a nurse because you love solving puzzles for patients.

Boom – connection.

Putting those two things together – the problem you solve and the kind of person you are – my original job posting for a personal assistant included this language:

“[I’m looking for] a rock star assistant who wants to help me build a world where everyone feels heard, understood, and valued. You must believe in kindness, generosity, and wake up every day with a desire to see the world become less divisive and more connected.”

It was painfully obvious from the responses to that posting who identified with this story, and who didn’t. Characters in stories who align on fundamental values and beliefs, and are united towards a shared goal that they deeply believe in, work well together.

It’s that simple.

So, what to do about individual preferences?

Right, back to the original question:

Different people like to be treated differently. How do you manage that while staying on task as a team?

First, align your team around a story.

What do you do? Who is it for? Why does it matter? What kind of characters are we in this story?

Second, let people be themselves, within the parameters of that story.

In Jurassic Park, Alan Grant, Ellie Sattler, and Ian Malcolm are very different people. They like to be treated differently and they treat others differently. But they were united against a very bad idea (and rampaging dinosaurs).

They shared a set of values and beliefs. They were each allowed to be their true selves, within the parameters of the story on which they were aligned.

Dennis Nedry was also being himself. But he didn’t care about the same problem Alan, Ellie, and Ian did. He didn’t share their values. Dennis was free to be himself, but he had to do it somewhere else.

If you’ve got a team member who’s expressing their individuality in a way that doesn’t help your team slay the metaphorical dragon of the story  you’ve created, either reign them in or let them go.

Authenticity is not a license to be, do, and say whatever you want in the workplace. Authenticity only makes sense with context and reference. Be authentic to the team, to the story. Not the same authentic you when you’re alone in your house.

Finally, treat everyone with generosity and respect. My team has unlimited paid time off. Sick days, mental health days, vacation – whatever. I just ask that they give me as much notice as possible and, in the case of vacation or non-emergencies, that they don’t leave me hanging during a major project or busy time.

So, to recap:

1. Align your team around a story
2. Let people be themselves
3. Treat everyone with generosity and respect

And then, repeat. It’s not enough to tell the story once on the job posting, or once during hiring/onboarding. You’ll need to continue telling that story on a regular basis, both explicitly and leading by example.

That’s the definition of culture.

Are your team members just laying bricks?

As a human connection specialist I work with organizations to build a culture of connection, where everyone feels heard, understood, and valued.

Some of my clients are multinationals with 100,000 employees, and others are small local businesses with just 4 team members.

And ever since the pandemic they are all struggling with the same thing: their teams are out of alignment.

“Brian, it’s like our people forgot how to people.”

It can feel overwhelming trying to get everyone aligned, and frustrating that you’ve got so many great individual workers who are failing to produce great results simply because they can’t get along.

If that’s true for your team, I want you to remember one thing: We connect with people not in spite of our differences, but because of them.

The key is getting those differences to complement each other, and the way to do that is by creating and telling a compelling story that invites your team into the narrative.

As the old parable goes:

I asked them, “What are you doing?”

They said, “I’m laying bricks.”

I asked the next person, “What are you doing?

They said, “I’m building a cathedral.”

And, as legendary consultant Alan Weiss points out, there’s a third person:

I asked them, “What are you doing?”

“I’m bringing people closer to God.”

What’s the story of your team or organization?

What great injustice are you fighting against?

What do people on your team believe in?

If you need help answering those questions for your team, I’m taking a limited number of new leadership coaching clients in Q1 2023 to get clear on your story and how to communicate it with your team so that they adopt it as they own.

Book a Discovery Call here to inquire.

Let’s get your team reconnected with themselves, each other, and your mission.