It’s 7am. Cold. I’m in a tiny town in rural Wisconsin driving away from my hotel in a rental car, searching for coffee on my way to sound check for an early morning keynote.

Ah, a McDonald’s. Ye old faithful.

“Good morning, what can I get you?”

Her voice crackled through the drive-thru speaker.

“Good morning! Just a black coffee.”

“Would you like sugar with that?”

She must not have heard me. “No, just a black coffee. Thank you!”

“Yes sir, a black coffee. But do you want sugar with that?”

What? Now I’m confused. And cold. And a little annoyed. “No, I said I’d like a black coffee. Just a black coffee.”

“Yes, I heard you. Black coffee means no cream. But do you want sugar with that?”

Welp, we found the communication breakdown.

Understanding vs Agreement

So many arguments and instances of miscommunication can be boiled down to one thing: We failed to truly understand each other’s position before getting into the actual content.

Drive-thru lady and I weren’t actually arguing about anything. We were simply defining our terms differently.

And really, she saved us by explicitly defining what she meant by black coffee, “Black coffee means no cream.”

Now, I disagree. I’m pretty confident black coffee means black. As in, no cream or sugar. Nothing. Just coffee.

But it doesn’t matter that we disagree, as long as we understand. Once and ONLY once we reached an understanding were we able to have an effective conversation.

I got my black coffee, no sugar. She made a sale. Everybody wins.

Of course, I still think I’m right.

But then again… so does she.