“I wanna be obscure and oblique,
Inscrutable and vague,
So hard to pin down.”
-Pete Townshend, “Misunderstood”
In 8th grade these lyrics echoed in my ears as an anthem, resonating deeply with my socially anxious, academically inclined self.
Far from the popular crowd, I was quite familiar with the inside of a locker, courtesy of my school bullies.
In the throes of my pre-teen angst, I discovered an unexpected ally – the music of aging rock stars. Their words echoed my sentiments, providing solace and company in my isolation.
What I didn’t understand at that time, something that became crystal clear years later, is that in our shared need to connect, obscurity is not a virtue. Neither in life nor in business.
Relating Through Obscurity
I first heard the Pete Townshend song “Misunderstood” in middle school, that terrible time in every child’s life when even in the popular kids feel like they don’t fit in.
But, let’s be honest, being a popular outcast seemed a better deal than being an unpopular one, which, unfortunately, I was.
Being the nerdy kid with glasses (not so cool back then), braces (equally uncool), and consistently topping every class (courtesy of inherited genes, not hard work), I fit the quintessential ‘Disney Channel original movie’ trope perfectly.
Bullies would knock the books out of my hands and literally shove me into lockers. It wasn’t the best of times. And people? They were no solace. Instead, I found my sanctuary in music.
When I had dating struggles I listened to Billy Joel’s “All for Leyna.” When I felt as if the world was crashing down, I’d listen to “No More Tears” by Ozzy Osbourne.
But more than anything, I listened to The Who and, more specifically, the music of Pete Townshend, The Who’s guitarist and songwriter.
On this one particular track, Townshend pines:
“Just want to be misunderstood.
I wanna be feared in my neighborhood.
Just wanna be a moody man,
Say things that nobody can understand.”
It’s hard to explain why, but being a lonely outcast made me want to double-down on my outcast-ness. Maybe it was born from a desire to take control of the situation? To own it?
I thought, people may not like me, but at least they’ll find me interesting, damn it.
Growing Up, Fitting In
Of course I was 12 at the time, and since then I’ve grown up.
I learned to form meaningful connections with others on the basis of shared values and beliefs. Most importantly I’ve learned to “shun the non-believers” as Seth Godin would say – that you’re not for everyone, and that’s okay.
Most adults learn these lessons along the way.
The Illusion of Being Misunderstood
Which is why I was so perplexed when I came upon this meme on my newsfeed:
“They’re not supposed to understand you.”
Wowza.
Clarity and Connection
Okay, so let’s provide some context. This meme was posted by a business coach who works with small business owners and entrepreneurs.
This… is foolish advice.
Obviously, not everybody is going to totally get you. Not everyone is going to be your customer or client.
But if you want to succeed in business, you really do need to be understood by others. Which means you need to make yourself understandable.
It’s your responsibility to communicate what you do, who it’s for, and why it matters in a clear and concise way. Otherwise the people who you seek to serve won’t even realize you can solve their problem.
We’re not middle schoolers anymore. It’s not cool to be obscure, oblique, inscrutable, vague, or hard to pin down.
It’s very cool to be clear, understandable, and relevant.
And you know what? That’s true outside of business as well.
The Gift of Human Connection
We’re in the middle of a crippling loneliness epidemic.
Give yourself and others the gift of human connection by making it easy to understand you, and going out of your way to understand them.
You may be a rare breed, but if you are inaccessible to others, you’re only going to become more lonely, isolated, and frustrated.
Here’s what I do to fight the romantic pull of obscurity:
- I remind myself that many people around me feel lonely or isolated, and that by making myself transparent and accessible, they have the opportunity to feel more connected with someone.
- I pretend my job title is “Collector of Stories,” so it removes the spotlight from how I feel in my own head and places my focus squarely on others.
- Remind myself that imperfections are what make us human. By letting down my guard and making it easier for others to truly see me, I open the door to connection.
You’re a human.
So am I.
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