How to Combat the Loneliness Epidemic (Cigna study)

Two weeks into my freshman year of college I got horrendously sick out of nowhere. I’d never felt so ill in my life. I barely made it to the school’s medical center and passed out in the waiting room. I woke up briefly in an ambulance, but then everything went black again.

I finally came to in a hospital bed, a nurse standing over me.

“Your friends are here and would like to see you. Should I let them in?”

My friends?

These were practically strangers, none of whom I had even met two weeks early. The nurse said that they had taken a cab to the hospital and insisted that they be allowed to see me. When she told them ‘no’, they all started writing notes to be delivered to me upon waking up.

I couldn’t believe it. I had friends. Real friends. I remember thinking that my life had changed forever.

But then something happened.

At the end of freshman year, we had to choose our dorm situation for sophomore year: Did I want to stay with my current roommate, choose a new roommate, or ask to be randomly assigned to someone? What a silly question. Of course I wanted to stay with Chris! We had become inseparable over the course of the year. And when I say inseparable, I really mean it.

We watched TV and played video games together almost every night. We played pool and table tennis together at least a couple of times each week. Every weekend we left campus together to do basic shopping, get lunch at the local diner, and occasionally go to a movie. We attended comedy shows on campus and always waited for each other to go to the dining hall.

“Chris! Should I put you down for my roommate next year?” I asked, completely tongue-in-cheek.

“Actually,” he replied, “I’m going to room with my buddy next year. Sorry man.”

Even twelve years later I find it gut-wrenching to relive that moment in my memory. I didn’t know what to say, or how to react. But I didn’t want to make it awkward between us, so I think I mustered:

“Oh, okay. Cool.”

I stared down at the roommate request form trying to figure out what to do. I had other friends but many of them were girls, and coed rooming wasn’t allowed at my school. I had guy friends too, but I figured that they would already have their roommate situation figured out. It had never occurred to me to check with Chris because I assumed we were a lock.

So, much to my dismay, I put in for a randomly assigned roommate, and then deliberately buried the awkwardness. I didn’t know what it meant and did not yet possess the tools of introspection that I would later develop.

Similar strange events (they were always a surprise to me) continued to occur throughout the next three years. As I went back in my memory through four years of college, and sometimes even further back into high school, a pattern emerged, and it was a pattern I wasn’t terribly comfortable confronting.

I would befriend someone or get into a relationship. It started off passionate and invigorating, but gradually the communication would break down. At some point they would either become increasingly distant or abruptly dismiss me altogether.

And when I graduated college, I was alone.

I’ll never forget the realization that after spending four years with what felt like a close community of people, I was beginning my adult life with neither friends nor a relationship. The people who showed up to visit me in the hospital after having only known me for two weeks were no longer a part of my life.

Some of them had unfriended me on Facebook. None of them were talking to me.

It was a huge shock to my system, mentally and physically. I spent many sleepless nights wracking my brain trying to figure out where it all went wrong.

Loneliness is an Epidemic

Cigna, the global health service company, released a report from their landmark study on loneliness in America in May 2018. The study surveyed 20,000 American adults ages 18+ to determine the quality and effect of loneliness on the population across all generations. The conclusion? Loneliness has reached “epidemic levels.”

Some of the highlights of this dense study include:

• Generation Z (ages 18-22) and Millennials (23-37) are the loneliest across generations
• More than half of all respondents always or sometimes feel like no one knows them well
• Just under half of all respondents report always or sometimes feeling alone or left out
• At least 40% sometimes or always feel like their relationships are not meaningful

Source: Cigna

The worst part? Studies show that loneliness has the same impact on mortality as smoking 15 cigarettes per day.

We don’t feel heard, understood, and valued, and it is literally killing us.

And of course, that’s where I went wrong in college. I was so focused on what I was getting out of my friendships, my relationships, my classes, and my work, that I wasn’t making my friends, partners, classmates, and colleagues feel heard, understood, and valued.

I cared about them deeply, but they didn’t feel it. So they abandoned me.

When I realized that the key to relationships is not understanding people, but making them feel understood, my entire life changed. My friendships became deeply meaningful and long-lasting. My business took off because people wanted to work with me, not just because I was good at magic. I met Lindsey, the love of my life, and she even agreed to marry me!

The Cigna study confirmed something that I’ve spent the last few years sharing, teaching, and training as a keynote speaker for organizations and a youth motivational speaker for high schools and colleges: people who report the lowest levels of loneliness are those who have frequent, meaningful, in-person interactions.

In other words, people who feel heard, understood, and valued are mentally and physically healthier because they feel a deep sense of connection with the world around them.

They feel safe and taken care of.

They feel loved.

If you or someone you know suffers from depression, seek professional assistance. Here are some helpful resources: https://nndc.org/resource-links/

If you are contemplating hurting yourself or others, call this number: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

So, what can you do about loneliness?

Well, if you yourself are feeling lonely, isolated, or like you don’t have anyone that you can rely on, I really encourage you to evaluate how you make others feel when you are around them.

• Do you verbally thank people and show appreciation when they help you, or do you just think it?
• Do you really listen when friends or family talk to you, or are you just thinking about what you’re going to say next?
• Do you meet people when you’re standing in line for coffee, riding the subway, or waiting for an appointment? Or do you just put your headphones and/or lose yourself in your phone?

There are so many opportunities on a daily basis to make others feel heard, understood, and valued. And when we do that, it comes back around. Change starts from within, and if you want to feel less lonely, then you should start by making others feel great. When you make people feel really good, they’ll want to be around you, and your loneliness will start to fade.

If you haven’t downloaded my “E.A.R.S” resource yet, definitely grab it. It’s a powerful four-step system for mastering the art of active listening and building stronger connections with anyone and everyone that you meet.

Remember, you meet an average of three new people every day.

What will you do with your three opportunities today?