How to Connect When You Can't Help Someone

Description: Explore the art of connecting with others even when you can’t solve their problems. Learn how using reflective listening and perspective-taking techniques can help create genuine connections and understanding, even in challenging situations.

I could feel a challenge coming.

“Yes, what’s your question?” I asked, and then braced myself.

It’s the very first session on Day 2 of a 3-day conference I’m leading by myself for 130 attendees. The room is full of community-level elected officials and their staff.

The work they do matters, and it’s my job to help them do it better in a series of presentations, workshops, and exercises on human connection and messaging, over three days in a conference room.

I can’t lose the room at 9:15 in the morning on Day 2. There’s too much conference left!

The Serious Question and the Cheeky Response

We just spent the entire first day on perspective-taking and reflective listening techniques. Basically, tactical empathy.

His question is kind in tone, but firm and direct:

“Okay, but being able to use the reflective listening skills and get them to know that I understand their situation, is a long ways away from being able to make the change that they’re assuming you’re gonna do.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. Then I summoned my best Dr. Gregory House impression and responded with a smile,

“Well, to quote the philosopher Mick Jagger…”

I didn’t even have to finish the sentence. The audience erupted in laughter.

The end of that quote is of course, “you can’t always get what you want.”

It was a cheeky response to a serious question, so when the laughter died down I addressed it sincerely. Here’s the gist.

Connecting with Others: Beyond Solving Problems

There are a lot of situations when we can’t actually solve the problem our friend, customer, or colleague has.

You might be dealing with a customer who wants your product or service to do something it was never intended to do, a direct report who wants you to change a policy that you don’t have the power to change, or a friend who wants you to be available for a party when you already have a commitment.

The key to these conversations is recognizing that connecting with someone is not always the same as solving their problem. When people are frustrated or upset, they obviously want a solution. But really, deep down, what they want more is to be validated.

That’s the power of perspective-taking and reflective listening.

Perspective-taking is the ability to see the world from the point-of-view of another person, by asking meaningful and relevant questions to gain their perspective, in their words.

Reflective listening is the ability to then paraphrase what they’ve said back to them, in your words, but from their point-of-view. The easiest way is to start your response with, “So, what I hear you saying is…”

When you can articulate their perspective in your own words, they will feel heard, seen, validated, understood. And that means their natural defenses will go down. Basically, they will relax.

And because they’re relaxed, they’re open to what you have to say. Which, sometimes, is not something they want to hear. Maybe, like these elected officials, there’s a new policy at the state or national level that is out of their control. They can’t actually fix or change it, at least not in that moment.

That’s okay.

The Power of Validation

People are smart. They can understand and appreciate when something is out of your hands, because that’s just how life works.

The trouble isn’t that we can’t solve their problem, but that they aren’t in the frame of mind to hear us say that. So often we respond immediately with facts.

“That’s out of my hands.” “It’s not my job.” “I don’t have that power.”

Even if it’s true, they’re not going to hear it. It’s just going to fuel their frustration in that moment. But by using reflective listening to make them feel understood and validating their concerns, they will be in a more open frame of mind.

Then you can tell them it’s out of your hands, and it’s much more likely they’ll understand you, as reciprocation for you understanding them.

What Connection is Really About

The goal of reflective listening is not to magically solve every problem, but to forge a connection that allows for a more constructive and, frankly, kind conversation.

I’m constantly amazed by the power of making others feel heard, understood, and valued. So this week when a friend, family member, colleague, client or customer comes to you upset about something and looking for a solution: if you can’t fix their problem, don’t panic. Don’t immediately shoot back with the facts.

Pause, then reflect back what they’ve just said in your words, from their perspective. And just watch as their entire attitude shifts in an instant.

Feeling understood is supremely powerful.

P.S. Here’s the exchange on video: