How to help someone get unstuck without being annoying
Slap me.
Seriously, that’s what I want you to do when I’m stuck in a rut, struggling with a big problem, or getting too wrapped up in my own stuff.
Not literally, but verbally. Tell me I’m being an idiot and to get back to work, in a kind and loving way.
Isn’t that what everyone wants?
Not according to Bruce Feiler in his TED talk, “The Secret to Mastering Life’s Biggest Transitions.” He surveyed hundreds of Americans in all 50 states, amounting to over 1,000 hours of interviews, in which he asked them about how they navigate major life transitions, and found startling results.
Apparently only 1 out of 6 of us like people who Bruce calls slappers. It’s some form of, “I love you, but get over yourself. Do something now.”
But 1/4 of us like nudgers. Nudgers gently encourage us to take action without being too forceful. “I love you, but perhaps you should try this, or maybe you could do that.”
And a full 1/3 of us like comforters, people who simply tell us it’s going to be okay. “I love you. You’re going to get through it.”
Which type do you prefer when you feel stuck? Which is most helpful to you?
Great, now a different question:
Which type does your spouse prefer? Your colleague? Your boss? Your student?
We’ve known for ages that the Golden Rule is wrong. Doing unto others as you would do to yourself is self-centered and misguided, because we don’t all want, believe, and value the same things. Some have argued for the Platinum Rule: Do unto others as they wish done to them.
It’s perspective-taking, plain and simple. If you want to support the people in your life in a way that makes them feel heard, understood, and valued, and also benefits them in a practical way, you need to get their perspective.
And we do that not by acting like we wish people would act to us, or by making educated guesses, but by asking.
Do This Next
Have this conversation with a friend or loved one tonight.
Bring them here and show them Bruce’s TED talk. Then chat about it. Learn not just which type of response they prefer, but why – it’ll bring you closer together.
