How to Remember Names & Connect with Anyone
This is an excerpt from my book Three New People: Make the Most of Your Daily Interactions and Stop Missing Amazing Opportunities.
Chapter 10: The Art and Importance of Remembering Names
Some years ago, my mom drove in from Maryland to see me do an open-to-the-public magic show on Long Island. It had been a few years since she had seen one of my shows, and I felt like it had improved drastically since the last time, so after the show I asked, “What was your favorite part of the show?”
To my surprise, her answer wasn’t a particular trick, joke, or routine.
Instead, she said, “I can’t believe you remembered everybody’s names, from the beginning of the show to the end.”
My mom was referring to the fact that throughout the show I have at least five volunteers helping me out with a variety of tasks. Being an interactive show, and with my entertainment roots in comedy clubs, I will over the course of the night refer to earlier volunteers, referencing things that had happened while they were on stage. In comedy it is known as a “callback.” Callbacks are a great way to give the show a sense of immediacy, especially in a show like mine that is meticulously scripted.
Yet, she wasn’t impressed with the callbacks themselves, but rather with the mere fact that I remembered each volunteers’ names as I called back to them. Even in the final minutes of the show, I made a callback to someone from the very first piece over an hour earlier.
“Brian,” my mom said, “I can’t remember anybody’s names. It’s such a gift that you can do that.”
It was the first time I had ever given it any notice: I guess I do a pretty good job of remembering people’s names. The more I thought about it, however, the more I realized that it wasn’t a gift. Rather, it was a skill that I had been developing, unconsciously, over many years of giving interactive stage performances.
Upon deeper consideration it became clear why such a skill had developed without my being aware of it: names are eminently personal and convey a sense of familiarity.
There is a traditional saying in the entertainment industry: if the audience likes you, then they will like anything that you do.
If there is one thing I try to avoid, it is failing before I’ve even begun.
Why Names Matter
Earlier, in Chapter 7, I asked if you have ever learned somebody’s name, then immediately forgotten what it was. There was more weight to that question than I initially let on.
Names are a funny thing.
Have you ever turned your head at the sound of your name coming from a different conversation, even though you were confident that it wasn’t intended for you?
There’s a phenomenon by which you can selectively focus in on your name, even in the loudest and noisiest of environments. It’s called the “cocktail party effect,” a reference to the cacophony of conversation and music that engulfs the average cocktail hour. You may not be consciously aware of it, but if you think on it now, you’ll realize how quickly and easily you respond to your name, even in such trying environments, like a sports stadium or at a rock concert.
I’ll say it again: names are a funny thing.
On one hand, they are completely arbitrary. Your parents assigned you a random string of letters at birth that, when pronounced aloud, create a sound that amounts to nothing more than a variable in mathematics: it points at something. Your name (probably) isn’t even unique. Most of us are given a first name that has already been given to hundreds of thousands if not millions of people.
Take my name, “Brian.” A quick Google search reveals that there are 1.2 million people in the United States alone with the first name Brian, and 1.3 million with the last name Miller. Even put together, there are over 5,000 people in the U.S. with the name “Brian Miller” – there were literally 3 of us in my high school at the same time.
Yet we are very attached to our names. “Brian Miller” is not just my name; it’s who I am.
You might even associate a particular meaning with your name, especially if you have a religiously or culturally significant name, i.e. ‘Matthew’ is Hebrew for “gift from God”. But it could simply be that our name, particularly our first name, is the one thing that, from birth, always remains constant.
That’s why it is so crucially important to remember people’s names.
Be it your personal or professional life, people are genuinely impressed when you remember and use their names. It is perceived as a sign of respect and creates an immediate sense of familiarity, which in turn facilitates trust and bonding.
We really care when someone forgets our name, and we are pleasantly surprised when someone remembers.
If I’ve only met you once, briefly, and you remember my name upon our second encounter, I would be genuinely taken aback. It would make me feel special, like I must have at least made a small impact on you. That would give me a very positive feeling about you in return, which would set the tone of the entire conversation to follow.
In that way, the mere act of remembering and using someone’s name can be a critical first step in forming meaningful connections.
Techniques for Remembering People’s Names
As far as I’m concerned, I am an entertainer first and a magician second. As an entertainer, the first order of business is to get the audience to like me. I need them on my side because the success of the entire show depends on it. I need you rooting for me. I need you to feel like my success is your success (or more to the point, our success).
After my mom inadvertently led me to that lightbulb moment of realization, I began to look for ways to apply my ability to remember people’s names that I had developed as an entertainer to my life off-stage.
Just like the “perspective taking” technique that we discussed in depth, name-memorization is a skill that can be learned, practiced, and honed. There are many books and resources available to you to study memory techniques in depth, but here are a few of my tricks and tips for improving your ability to remember people’s names.
Use Your E.A.R.S.
[Editor’s note: E.A.R.S. refers to Brian’s four-step system for active listening explained in detail earlier in the book. You can get a condensed version of it for free by signing up for this blog]
The straightforward, easiest way to remember somebody’s name is to actually listen when they tell you what it is. Get out of your own head, stop thinking about how you are going to say your own name, look up from the restaurant menu, put down your phone, etc. Focus solely and completely on them as they give you their name.
Remember that they are giving it to you. It is a gift.
We only give out our name in two situations: when we want to form a positive relationship with someone, and when we have to. Sometimes you have to give out your name, such as when the barista asks for it in order to complete your order, the receptionist at the doctor’s office needs it to verify your appointment, or when the police ask for a statement.
Other than that, we are often hesitant to give away our name unless we are emotionally invested in the person, or open to the prospect of connecting with them.
If you treat names like a gift you will be more grateful for receiving them, and you will find yourself taking better care of them.
The Rule of Three
One of the oldest tricks for remembering someone’s name is to use it out loud three times in quick succession. In the context of my live stage show, it goes like this:
Me: “What’s your name?”
Him: “James.”
Me, shaking his hand: “James? It’s very nice to meet you James, thanks for helping me out with this. [To audience] James and I are going to…”
It looks excessive when written down, but you would be surprised how naturally it flows. This is a technique that you can immediately implement in social and professional settings. If it feels weird to hit their name three times rapid fire, try just twice while you’re learning the technique, i.e., “Sue? It’s nice to meet you, Sue.”
That alone should help lodge their name into your brain, and it’s the technique that I use most frequently.
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Three More Techniques
This chapter of the book covers three more terrific ways to remember people’s names, plus a TON more info and inspiration on connecting with anyone, strengthening your relationships, and building a sustainable career.
Learn more about Three New People and pick up your copy today.
