“We need more feet to walk in one another’s shoes.”

-Gary Cherone

One of the most common questions I’m asked after delivering a keynote or workshop is, “Why don’t you ever talk about empathy?’’

I’m a human connection specialist. It’s reasonable to assume that I’d spend a lot of time on what empathy is, why it’s so important, and how to develop it or get better at it. And yet, I rarely even use the word in my programs.

In this article I’m going to clear up the confusion around empathy and explain why, as someone who teaches human connection for a living, I spend so little time talking about it.

What is Empathy?

President Barack Obama, in his 2006 commencement speech for Northwestern University, made a bold statement:

“There’s a lot of talk in this country about the federal deficit.  But I think we should talk more about our empathy deficit – the ability to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes; to see the world through those who are different from us – the child who’s hungry, the laid-off steelworker, the immigrant woman cleaning your dorm room.”

It was a moving and important message that I agree with fully. The only problem is that President Obama isn’t strictly describing empathy. He’s describing perspective-taking.

So, what’s the difference?

Empathy is the ability to feel what someone else is feeling as if it were happening to you.

You see this idea expressed in science fiction characters known as “empaths.” Think of Professor X (his characterization in the First Class movie trilogy), or Mantis from Guardians of the Galaxy.

Empathic characters use their ability to literally feel what someone else is going through in order to either ease their suffering, in the case of good characters, or manipulate them, in the case of evil characters.

Here in the real world, empath is also used to describe the personality type of people who are highly sensitive to others’ feelings and emotions. As we’ll discuss later, it’s not necessarily a good thing.

Perspective-taking, on the other hand, is the ability to see the world from the point-of-view of another person. Notice this has nothing to do with feelings or emotions. Rather, perspective-taking is about understanding where someone is coming from, and why they might hold the views that they do.

In the words of my friend Parag Joshi (the organizer of TEDxManchesterHighSchool where I delivered my now viral TEDx talk on perspective-taking), it’s the ability to say, “I’m here, but I can see why you’re there.”

Why am I being so pedantic about the particular use of these words?

Our world is literally shaped by the words we use. As Wittgenstein said, “The limits of my language means the limits of my world.” If we’re not using the same words in the same way, our entire ability to understand each other breaks down and all conversation is fraught.

Let’s talk about empathy, as properly defined.

Are we really losing our ability to empathize?

In short, yes.

A decades-long University of Michigan study released in 2010 revealed that measurable empathy among college students declined 40% between the 1970s and the 2000s. Most of that decline happened in the last decade of the study, concurrent with the rise of social media as communication moved from in-person or calls to texts and emojis.

I know, I know – this is a “Get off my lawn!” moment.

The truth is, digital communication creates a psychological barrier between you and the person you’re conversing with. We craft, edit, and curate our responses to the point where there’s no humanity left. And in the absence of tone of voice, eye contact, or body language, it’s almost impossible to treat someone as an individual with feelings, worries, and concerns similar to ourselves.

I call this the “magic of mess.” Real in-person conversations are messy. When we say something hurtful we immediately see the impact and feel bad or guilty. Because deep down we each have an instinct to be fair and kind.

The real-time aspect of conversation scares people, especially millennials and gen-z who grew up with a viable alternative that feels safer.

Except, it’s not safer. It’s merely more comfortable. And the science about comfort is clear: The only time we learn and grow as humans is when we are pushed outside our comfort zone (Yale Study – 2018).

So, if empathy is so obviously good and we’re losing our ability to do it, then why don’t I talk about it?

To answer that, let’s try a thought experiment.

The Lake

You’re walking alone past a shallow lake and notice a small child drowning. You can easily wade in. What do you do?

If you’re like all non-sociopathic adults, you go in and save the child without a second thought. Of course you do. But that answer is revealing about empathy. Let’s turn to Paul Bloom, a Professor of Psychology at Yale University.

“What motivates this good act? It is possible, I suppose, that you might imagine what it feels like to be drowning, or anticipate what it would be like to be the child’s mother or father hearing that she drowned. …

But that’s hardly necessary. You don’t need empathy to realize that it’s wrong to let a child drown. Any normal person would just wade in and scoop up the child, without bothering with any of this empathic hoo-ha.” (Against Empathy)

Bloom’s point isn’t that empathy is bad, but that it’s not necessary for making good, moral decisions.

The question then is, what is necessary for making good, moral decisions? The answer is: perspective-taking.

Skills vs Emotions

I don’t talk about empathy because empathy is an emotional state. It’s something you feel. And it’s really hard to teach somebody how to feel something more, better, or at all.

Yes, it can be done – therapists spend months or years meeting regularly with clients to make those kinds of changes. I know, because my wife is a therapist.

But I’m a speaker and consultant. Sometimes I have as little as 30 minutes on stage with an audience, or if I’m lucky, as much as 3 hours during a half-day workshop.

The reason I teach perspective-taking is because it is a skill. And as a skill it can be learned,  honed, practiced, and developed by absolutely anyone. I can give you pairs or group exercises. Then I can teach you specific techniques to practice in your daily interactions over the next few weeks.

And just like any other skill, you will improve with repeated practice and commitment over time. What improves? Your ability to understand someone else’s point-of-view. Not to feel what they’re feeling, but to see the world from their perspective.

Perspective-taking is such a useful skill because it provides context for our interactions, particularly when emotions are running high. Crucially it allows us to figure out where we disagree. Does this person know something you don’t, or believe something you don’t, or vice versa?

If you’ve ever see an airline passenger screaming at a gate agent because the door is closed and they want to get on their flight, you realize how useful perspective-taking would be.

The passenger and the gate agent both want the exact same thing: for the passenger to make their flight. And probably, they also know the same thing: the door is closed, but the plane is still here.

But if the passenger did even a little perspective-taking, they’d realize it’s their beliefs that are off.

They could ask, “Under what circumstances could you open that door for us?”

“There are no circumstances,” the gate agent might say. “It’s against airline policy for safety reasons. I literally cannot open that door, no matter what the circumstances. I couldn’t open it for my own mother. I’m so sorry.”

They were misaligned on beliefs – the passenger believed it was possible for the gate agent to open the door, if only they yelled loud enough or pleaded enough or said just the right words. But that belief was mistaken.

Perspective-taking wouldn’t get the jet bridge door open, it would open up a conversational door about how to get on a different flight with the least amount of delay.

Kindness and respect always win out. We all know that. But emotions tend to cloud that fact.

The Downside of Empathy

Earlier in this article I mentioned that being highly sensitive to other people’s emotions is not necessarily a good thing.

Empaths often have trouble distinguishing their own emotions from others. Such jarring emotional swings can lead to burnout, anxiety, and a host of related physical symptoms like a distressed stomach and headaches.

Worse, decisions made from a place of empathy, while well-intentioned, are often irrational – and studies prove it.

In one psychological experiment, subjects were asked how much money they’d give to help develop a drug that would save the life of one child. Other subjects were asked how much they’d give to save the lives of eight children.

People gave roughly the same in both situations.

But a third group was asked about a single child and also shown a picture with the child’s name. This time, donations went through the roof. In fact, that group gave significantly higher donations to one child than anyone gave to eight.

What’s going on here? It’s known as “the identifiable victim effect,” and it’s a short-circuit in our rationality caused by…

Empathy.

Rational Compassion

We are much more likely to give or help when we see specifically who our efforts are helping. That’s the basis of reciprocal altruism: I feel good seeing somebody else benefit from my good deeds, so I want to do more of it.

That’s a useful part of our biology held over from the early days of humanity when helping a single person at a time, in your immediate vicinity, was the key to survival. But today, the most helpful you can be, dollar for dollar, is simply donating to the fight against malaria. And the very best way to do that is to automate your monthly donation just like any other bill you pay.

You’ll save more lives and do more good by simply staying home and sending automated payments to Against Malaria. This is what Paul Bloom calls “rational compassion.”

But it doesn’t feel good to do that.

It feels so much better to donate to a local cause in your community where you can see your money being put to work. It feels even better to donate to a specific child who you can eventually meet. They might even hug or thank you. And you’ll definitely get a sweet selfie for social media.

Empathy is good in theory, but often problematic in practice.

“You’re ruining my life!”

Parents know the difference between empathy and rational compassion.

Your child wants to eat ice cream for dinner or play video games instead of reading. Empathy makes us feel their anguish and disappointment as if it was our own. What’s the harm in letting them eat ice cream for dinner? It’ll make them so happy.

But that’s not our job as parents, to make them happy. Our job is to guide them to be healthy adults who make good decisions. And part of that is sacrificing their short term happiness for long term fulfillment, a choice they cannot yet make for themselves.

Parents act out of rational compassion when they tell their child, “No, I’m not buying you a toy. We’re shopping for your cousin’s birthday. It’s not your turn.” They suffer the emotional meltdown knowing that it’s in their child’s long term best interest.

Too much empathy could turn a child into a selfish monster.

When your child is throwing a fit over finishing their vegetables or not getting a toy, perspective-taking is a better tool. It allows you to truly understand where the child is coming from, which in turn makes it easier to make the right decision without feeling like a terrible parent, while also being nurturing and kind in the face of “You’re ruining my life!”

Everything in Moderation

I’m not for a second arguing that empathy is all-out bad, and perspective-taking is always the answer.

The decline of empathy across society is worrisome. While too much empathy might lead us to irrational decisions, at least they are irrationally well-intentioned. On the other hand, too little empathy leads to an uncaring society who prefers yelling past each other and cutting people down to righteously advance any cause.

I’d rather have too much empathy than too little.

Still, in the brief time I have during a live program, I can’t teach someone how to be more empathic. And really, neither can the self-help industry. If you want to become a more empathic person, you should consult a therapist.

You can, however, learn the skill of perspective-taking. And if you practice that skill then, over time…

You’ll naturally become more empathic.

If you want to learn and develop perspective-taking, my TEDx talk “How to Magically Connect with Anyone” and my book Three New People are great places to start, in addition to the various resources cited throughout this article.