The Fear of Knowledge

“I’ve gone in a different direction.”

Ugh.

I’ve been self-employed for 17 years, so I’ve heard just about every version of ‘no’ that exists. But there’s something about “gone in a different direction” that just drives me crazy.

You didn’t go in a different direction, I think to myself, you just hired someone else.

I wished people would just say who they hired instead of me, so I could get closure and move on.

And then one day, I asked.

We’d spent nearly an hour on a discovery call just the day before. She dreamed of giving a TEDx talk, sharing her Big Idea with the world, changing lives, and transforming her business in the process.

We clicked. I loved her idea. It was a perfect fit.

In fact I was so confident I didn’t even send a follow-up email, sure that she’d write to me within a day with my favorite sentence:

“Send me the contract. Let’s do this!”

So when she showed up in my inbox I felt a warm calmness wash over me. Which was quickly followed by a bucket of ice water to the face:

“Hi Brian!

Thank you so much for all of your time yesterday. I really enjoyed our conversation.

Unfortunately I’ve gone in a different direction.

Best wishes.”

I was frozen.

What?! There’s no way. This was a perfect fit. I’m the obvious choice.

And then I did something I’d never done before.

The Power of Asking

“Hi! I appreciate you letting me know.

We seemed like such a great fit, I have to ask:

Who did you decide to hire instead of me?

And what was it about them that you felt was a better fit for you and your TEDx journey?

Thanks in advance, Brian.”

Then I stared at the computer screen for 2 full minutes until *ping* - she replied.

“I hired .

If I’m being honest, I really wanted to hire you. You’re right, we’re a perfect fit.

But I’m hoping to turn my Big Idea into an entire new business, not just give a TEDx talk.

And said they can work with me long term to make that happen, rather than just stopping at the TEDx talk itself.”

My jaw literally dropped. She didn’t choose someone else because she didn’t think I was good enough. She didn’t even choose them because she thought they were better.

She chose them because she had requirements for a coach we never discussed that she didn’t believe I could meet.

The worst part?

I do that work. All the time. With lots of clients.

There’s an entire 6-12 month package I offer leaders to deliver a TEDx talk and then leverage it to build an entire brand around it, and become the “go-to expert” in their content area.

But…

She never mentioned anything beyond TEDx. And I never asked about her long-term plans.

So, not only did I lose a perfect client…

I lost a client worth 3x what I thought she was worth!

Two Lessons

When someone rejects me or “goes in another direction,” I always ask who they hired instead, and why.

I’ve been shocked to discover that most of the time if you ask a direct question, you get an immediate and honest answer. And those answers have become invaluable to my business.

Lesson 1: Ask people questions. They’re more willing to answer than you think, and the answers are critical to your growth, in business and as a person.

Ever since that conversation I always ask prospects about their goals and dreams way beyond the scope of the package or program they inquired about.

I’m blown away by how often they’re looking for something else I can help them with that they didn’t even realize I offered. Which means more business for me, and better service for them.

Lesson 2: Dare to dream bigger and dig deeper. You’re more valuable to people than they may realize. So make them realize it.

To paraphrase my friend Zoe Chance at Yale’s School of Management, “How can this interaction be even better for me? How can it be even better for them? And who else can benefit?”

Asking someone why they rejected you and for who/what is really vulnerable. It sucks having someone tell you to your face why and how you aren’t good enough.

Knowledge is power, but it’s also responsibility.

Once you know what you’re doing wrong, you have no excuses left. It’s much easier to shrug and chalk it up to “bad luck” or “the universe just didn’t want me to have that client/friend/relationship.”

But if it’s your goal to improve, it’s information you need to know.