The Most Direct Way to Improve Your Ability to Connect

The Critical Role of Context in Connection

Ever had a friend tell you a story they think is hysterical, but you simply don’t find it funny? Like, they’re laughing so hard they can’t even get the story out, but you’re just not getting it?

That’s a context problem, not a joke-telling problem.

Comedy, and humor more broadly, is rooted in context. Here are some punchlines, by themselves:

a. He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

b. “Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”

c. He was just going through a stage.

Any of those got you chuckling? No? Here, try them again with the set ups:

a. Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

b. Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. “Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”

c. Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.

Not the world’s best jokes, but you get the point. Without the information included in the set up, the punchline has no reference point for humor.

In my work with speakers, I meet people who think they’re just not funny. But most of the time, the real problem is when they go for a laugh, they forget to include the context.

Context: The necessary and sufficient information to understand the point.

The exact same problem happens to storytellers. It’s the guy at a dinner party who goes on and on and on but the story never seems to end, let alone resolve.

Basic Rules for Telling a Story

There are only three things every story must have in order to qualify as a story: Before, Transformation, After.

Almost everyone remembers to tell the transformation – it’s the POW moment where something wild, unexpected, funny, devastating, annoying happens. It’s the thing.

“The pilot told us it was going to be a 2 hour delay. And get this – we can’t get off the plane!”

So what, right? You’ve been there. I’ve been there. It sucks. But, do you really care?

Some people remember to tell the ‘after’ part of a story. That is, the result of the transformation.

“So I missed my connection and there weren’t any flights to Cleveland until the next morning, arriving at 10:00 AM.”

Okay, now I feel your frustration a bit more. I’ve slept at airports waiting for the first flight out after a delay. It sucks. But again, so what? Why should I care? Why are you wasting my time with this inconvenience from your life?

Almost everyone forgets to tell the ‘before,’ because it seems obvious. It’s ordinary, normal, status quo. Why bother wasting time on the boring bit?

“For 3 years I’ve sat in my cubicle pushing papers around, dreaming of being promoted to a leadership position. As a kid my dad always struggled to make ends meet, and I grew up wishing I could do all the fun things my friends were doing. But we never had the money. I swore that someday when I became a dad, I would give my kid everything.

And so last year when I became a dad I quit trying to make it as a musician and got serious about my career. I took a boring entry level job in my dream field with tons of room for salary growth.

But despite all my hard work, my boss never seems to notice. Until a few months ago I got a new manager who took a real interest in me. She’s been mentoring me on leadership skills, and when a promotion opportunity opened up, she went to bat for me with the hiring team.

They agreed to consider me and fly me to my company’s national headquarters in Cleveland for a formal review. They’re meeting me and two other candidates and announcing a decision at 9:00 AM the next morning.

I prepped for weeks, ran a series of mock interviews, and got to the airport 2 hours early. I even paid extra for a flight with an extra-long layover so there was no chance I’d miss anything.

We boarded on time and taxied out to the runway. But then, something went wrong.”

It’s easy to assume people will be bored by the ordinary details of our lives. And they might be – unless those “boring details” provide context for why the thing you’re telling them matters to you.

Then, it’s critical!

Is a documentary funnier than a sitcom?

No, not necessarily. But if you think you’re watching a real person acting like a total jerk to his employees, you’re going to react differently than if you think you’re watching a brilliantly scripted and acted sitcom.

Chances are if that lady sat across from Stephen Merchant knew she was watching a sitcom, she’d still have found it funny. But when the context changes, so do our expectations. We expect a sitcom to be funny, or even outrageous. We don’t, however, expect real bosses to act like sitcom characters on camera.

And that’s what’s so important about context when it comes to connecting with people.

It’s always worth the extra time to be sure people understand the context of your communication. Don’t forget the ‘set up’ to the joke. Don’t leave out the ‘before’ in your story.

And don’t leave me wondering what you meant. Are you telling me something that’s intended to be funny? Sad? Embarrassing? Serious? Urgent?

This goes doubly for text-based communication, for which the problem is compounded by lack of tone.

Last year I sent a thank-you gift to a client for inviting me to speak to his team. It was a beautiful Edible Arrangement full of chocolate dipped fruit. I intentionally sent it to his house, and chose a large enough size, so his wife and kids could enjoy it.

Next time he hired me I asked, “Hey, did you ever get that Edible Arrangement?”

He goes:

“Funny you should ask that. I did. Except I was at work when it arrived. So when I got home, my wife was furious. She started grilling me about the gift. “Who sent you this??” And I didn’t know who it was from – the label had come off in the box. She thought I had a secret admirer!

When I finally found it I said, “It’s from Brian, the human connection speaker magician guy!” We had a good laugh. But damn, you nearly got me divorced, man. Warn a guy next time!”

Whoops. Next time, I’ll make sure his family understands the context of the gift. Or better yet, I’ll send it to his office.

Next Up

This is the second in a 3 part mini blog series about insights from a single episode of Conan’s podcast Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend with guest Stephen Merchant. Listen to that episode here.

Then watch out for next week’s blog entry about the time Stephen met one of the most legendary musicians of all time, and completely missed an opportunity.

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