The Value of Conversational Safety Nets
The following is an excerpt from Chapter 9 of my book, Three New People.
When we hear about the comfort zone our entire lives, what are we always told to do?
Get out of it!
We are always told to get out of our comfort zones. It makes the Comfort Zone sound like an awful, terrifying place. It must be, otherwise we wouldn’t constantly be told to leave. And yet, no one ever tells us what it is. No one ever really defines it.
Your comfort zone is a set of routines that keep you at ease.
That’s all it is. In fact, studies have shown that staying in your comfort zone decreases stress and promotes well-being.
Wait, what? That sounds like a fantastic place - Netflix and sweatpants for life! Why would you ever leave a place like that?
You already know why. While it does increase stress, getting out of your comfort zone is also what allows you to grow as a person. When we step even a little bit outside of our standard routines we find ourselves in new situations that challenge our system, which leads to the development of new coping skills and resiliency.
If you’ve never been exposed to a germ your body has no defense mechanism to handle when you inevitably come into contact with it. Similarly, your ability to handle whatever life throws at you is directly related to your wealth of experiences, and we only get new experiences when we step outside of our regular routines.
Getting Out of the Comfort Zone
Interestingly, and perhaps somewhat counterintuitively, we need to feel safe in order to be productive outside of our comfort zones.
Psychologists refer to this as “optimal anxiety,” which is a heightened but safe state of anxiety brought on by a new or challenging experience. Operating under optimal anxiety increases performance effectiveness and efficiency. In other words, stretching outside of your comfort zone is beneficial. Reach too far, however, and you might crumble under the stress. Too much anxiety can be debilitating.
Leap out of an airplane, but take a safety class first and wear a parachute.
The key to finding a balance is to approach new or uncertain situations under controlled conditions.
That’s why it’s easier to meet new people if you’re out with friends. You get to take a leap of faith by chatting up a stranger, but land safely with your friends if it doesn’t work out.
It’s for the same reason I work very hard to treat audience volunteers in my magic shows with the utmost respect. It is not within anybody’s comfort zone to go on stage and help a magician during a magic show. They must feel completely alone. What’s going on in their mind? Let’s employ our perspective-taking technique here.
In order to volunteer in a magic show, you have to believe the magician is going to keep you safe. Take my show, in which I invite at least five volunteers on stage over the course of 70 minutes. Being a comedy magician, and a particularly silly one, I have to imagine my audiences trust I’m not going to put them in harm’s way. But they don’t know that for sure. Plenty of magicians have performed dangerous stunts. Heck, magicians have died on stage, and audience members have been hurt in the process.
So, they must first trust that I’m going to keep them safe from harm, physically. More importantly, however, they have to trust that I’m going to keep them safe emotionally.
At a public show, any potential volunteer is probably in attendance with friends, family, or a significant other. These are all people that they will continue to see on a regular basis, which means that anything we do on stage will have a lasting impact for them. As the entertainer I am unlikely to see anybody from the audience again. It’s wonderful when I do (shout out to my true fans), but rare. It’s easy to forget that if, off-the-cuff, I call somebody a silly name, their friends may continue calling them that name for years, as an inside joke. And it’s completely conceivable that, not wanting to seem like an uptight person, they play along with the joke even though they would prefer not to be called that name.
In other words, something that lasts seconds and means nothing to me could have long term repercussions for a volunteer.
Given that I mostly work for private events like company holiday parties and corporate banquets, there is a good chance that every single member of my audience will continue interacting with everyone else in the room in their daily work life.
If I poke fun at Betsy from accounting, she may have to endure similar taunts from everyone else in the office on a daily basis. That could be annoying for her at best and humiliating at worst.
If, instead, I take care of my volunteer, treat them with respect and dignity, and gently guide them one step at a time out of their comfort zone, then by the time they go back to their seats they will have had a completely new and unique experience that can be treasured for a lifetime. Furthermore, the (admittedly silly) experience of successfully helping a magician in front of an audience of strangers teaches you that you’re capable of something you might not have even imagined was possible.
That lesson is invaluable. And the more often we learn it, the stronger we become.
Seth Godin writes about the difference between a “comfort zone” and a “safety zone.” One place keeps you safe, while the other makes you feel comfortable; they are very different places. The goal is to align your comfort zone with the safety zone. (The Icarus Deception)
What happens when the safety zone moves, but we don’t realign our comfort zone with it?
Complacency.
The safest thing you can do in a world where personal and professional success is increasingly built on connections is to meet new people, gain new experiences, and develop resiliency. But what’s comfortable is to do none of those things.
We have an obligation to ourselves to stretch, reach, and tip-toe outside of our comfort zones. More than that, I believe that we have a moral obligation to encourage others to step into a new safety zone with us, even if it’s uncomfortable at first.
When I strike up a conversation with a stranger in a way that makes them feel safe to converse with me, I move outside of my comfort zone and they respond in kind.
Suddenly, our comfort zones both shift. We are now each a little bit more comfortable meeting new people.
The zones realign, and we both win.
Conversational Safety Nets
New experiences are fundamental to learning and growing. But even world class trapeze artists practice new stunts with a safety net until they have developed the confidence and skillset to go it alone.
For us non-circus folk, a safety net often comes in the form a friend or family member engaging in the new experience with us. I recently had the pleasure of helping a man who has climbed five of the seven summits, including Everest, prepare for his TEDx talk. I learned that his safety net came in the form of an (expensive) highly trained and experienced expedition team to guide him up the mountain.
A card trick may not change your life in a meaningful way but getting on stage in front of hundreds of strangers, colleagues, friends, or family will most definitely add to your ever-evolving list of “things I can do and survive.”
The longer that list, the more resiliency you develop, and the more likely you are to try more new things in the future. Who knows? Helping a magician may be the push you need to take that advanced class, apply for that promotion, or ask out that special someone.
But what is your safety net when you’re alone in public and want to make a meaningful connection with a stranger?
There are so many opportunities on a daily basis to experiment with stepping outside of our comfort zones. Three of those daily opportunities come in the form of new people to connect with.
One of the reasons we tend to shy away from talking to strangers is because we simply don’t know what to say. What do we talk about when we finally muster up the courage?
We talk about the weather or the traffic. These are conversational safety nets: topics of conversations that are so standard, so automatic, so boring that absolutely anybody can comment on them regardless of their background.
Many of my colleagues who speak and write about “talking to strangers” argue against these sorts of banal topics. But there is nothing egregiously wrong about bringing up the weather. If you are particularly shy and wary of opening up to strangers, talking about the weather or the traffic is actually a great way to ease into a conversation.
But the odds of sparking a meaningful connection by talking about the weather are slim to none.
Not because of the content, but because of the follow-through: talking about the weather rarely leads anywhere.
Why not?
Because we can never think of a really good follow-up question when somebody says,
“Boy, it sure is hot outside.”
Instead of responding, “Right?” or “I know!” consider this:
“What kind of weather do you prefer?”
That may lead someone to describe a place they used to live, after which you might learn a little about their past. Or they may describe a place they visited once that they’d like to retire to someday, in which case you will learn a bit about their hopes and aspirations.
Or: “What do you like to do when it’s this hot?”
Here we will discover some of their hobbies and preferences, giving us a better picture of who they are outside of the Starbucks line, gas station, classroom, or wherever you’re meeting.
Questions like these also tend to prompt reciprocal follow-up questions and give you a chance to either bond over a shared preference or discuss your different preferences. Real conversation!
Continue reading by purchasing your copy of Three New People. Publishers Weekly said, "Miller brilliantly outlines a system for deepening relationships."
