How to be Authentic Without Pissing People Off
Description: Explore the concept of authenticity through a new lens. Learn from insights shared by influence expert Tim David, as he and Brian discuss the balance between personal authenticity and respecting relationship dynamics.
Elaine: “I will NEVER understand people.”
Jerry: “They’re the worst.”
-Seinfeld
People are… tricky.
Have you ever met someone who “just tells it like it is” and, in doing so, tends to rub people the wrong way? Maybe they work in your office and you do everything you can to avoid them. Or, maybe it’s you.
There’s been a huge push towards ‘authenticity’ the past few years. And I get it. Intuitively it makes sense that everyone would be happier if they were always their true, authentic self.
Except, that’s now how society works, and never has. You can’t just say whatever you want, to anyone you want, however you want and expect to live a meaningful, consequence-free life.
Words are powerful, and they have consequences – good and bad. So, what’s the deal with authenticity? Is it good or bad?
That’s what I asked my friend and mentor Tim David.
Misplaced Authenticity
Tim is, like me, an ex-professional magician, who now teaches leaders and sales professionals the magic and tactics of human connection at work and in life.
In 2019 he sat down on my couch and recorded an interview for my podcast Beyond Networking. He said:
“I think people are authentic in the wrong place.”
When I asked what he meant, Tim gave an example:
“I’m angry. So I’m gonna punch you in the face. That’s my authentic reaction. I’m angry. I’m going to punch you in the face.” But yet you are my cousin, my brother, my, my friend, my coworker, and I value that relationship. I’m being inauthentic to valuing the relationship, but authentic in the moment. It’s just a misplaced authenticity.”
Mic drop.
You wouldn’t speak to your boss the way you do your grandmother, or best friend. We get a choice when it comes to authenticity:
Am I going to be authentic to myself, my feelings? Or am I going to be authentic to this relationship?
Choosing to be authentic to the relationship means adopting language, attitudes, and tonality that respects the person in front of you and the context of your conversation. That doesn’t make you phony or two-faced; it makes you a deeply empathic, caring, understanding person.
