Stop asking for feedback

Last year I wrote a blog entitled “Billy Joel Sucks.”

It was a deliberately provocative title to lead into a discussion about feedback and advice. What’s the difference, and which is better?

That article was about feedback as a function of unsolicited or anonymous responses on social media.

Today I want to examine it with regard to real relationships, both personally and professionally.

What is Feedback?

Client feedback form. Customer feedback form. Attendee feedback. Training feedback. Management feedback.

“Please stay on the line at the end of this call to answer a brief 2-question survey.”

In corporate we use the term ‘feedback’ to describe the solicitation of an opinion about a project, exchange, product, or program. But I went to school for audio engineering. I have a recording studio built into my house. I’ve spent 17 years on stage.

You know what I think of when I hear the term ‘feedback’?

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH

Feedback is what happens when a microphone gets too close to a speaker.

It’s loud. It’s piercing. It’s obnoxious.

And nobody wants to hear it.

The Problem with Feedback

You just led a team for 3 months on an important project. Now you’re asking for feedback on your performance.

Do you actually want to improve for next time? If so, you’re not likely to find anything helpful here.

Most people are kind. They don’t want to offend, and they definitely don’t want to rock the boat.

And even if not, people are self-interested. Saying something negative to your boss or even your coworker doesn’t seem like a good way to get ahead.

Ah, so then let’s make the feedback form anonymous, right?

Except this isn’t any better. Now you have the social media problem. You might get trolls having a laugh by writing mean things, in which case the feedback is useless.

Or you might get genuine criticism, but how can you tell which it is without knowing who said it? I’m going to take a magician’s criticism of my sleight-of-hand technique much more seriously than an audience heckler. But if I want to improve the show itself, I want to hear from audience members, not magicians.

And then we have a second problem, which is  you probably don’t really want feedback. You want to be told how great you are and how well the project went.

I’m with you.

Criticism is really hard to take with grace, especially when you care about your work and put your all into it. To have your best efforts cut down is unpleasant.

And yet, if you care about your work enough to be hurt by criticism, you probably do want to improve. So, what can we do?

Advice is the Answer

Instead of asking for feedback, start asking for advice.

Advice has a very different tone. It’s what we do when we care about someone and their success. It’s what we give to our closest friends and family.

Now, I’m not talking about unsolicited advice. Ain’t nobody ever enjoyed that. But advice, when asked for, is productive for both the giver and the receiver.

You just led a team on a project for 3 months. Go to each team member and try something like this:

“I’m really proud of the work we did. Thank you for your efforts and contribution (bonus points for naming specific contributions here). Still, I know I could do an even better job at leading a team on similar projects in the future. I want things to be even smoother next time. What advice would you have for me next time I take on a task like this?”

Doesn’t that feel worlds different from asking for feedback?

People are more likely to feel safe offering criticism when it’s cloaked as advice. And you’re more likely to receive it well knowing that it’s coming from a place of love, professionally speaking.

They feel heard. You improve.

Everybody wins.

Level the Playing Field

When you ask for feedback, you reinforce any existing power dynamic. Everyone knows that their feedback is going to be ignored if it doesn’t suit the powers that be.

Do you really believe Hilton cares about your opinion?

But when you ask for advice, you reduce or even eliminate the power dynamic completely. It doesn’t matter if I’m your colleague or the CEO: when I ask for your advice, I admit that there’s something you can teach me that I can learn from.

Mangers: Ask your employees for advice.

Professors: Ask your students for advice.

Sales reps: Ask your customers for advice.

CEOs: Ask everyone for advice.

Ask your spouse, mom, or best friend for advice.

Giving and receiving generous advice is a powerful trust-building tool. The more you ask for it, the more you’ll receive it, and the better we’ll all become, together.

Let’s take the mic away from the speaker, once and for all.