Donuts worth dying for?

I posted this inside a private community FB a few days ago. Lots of folks asked me to make it public so they could share it. So, here it is, on my blog.

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This weekend we ordered donuts from a local bakery that were absolutely to die for.

While waiting outside the venue to pick up my order, almost everyone was doing the right thing: Wearing masks and spaced at least 10 feet apart. It was calm and friendly.

Except one person who was not wearing a mask or making any attempt to stay away from people, making everyone else nervous.

At one point someone they knew pulled up, and they started chatting. Throughout the conversation this person repeatedly bragged about the fact that they don’t wear a mask.

“I’m just over it,” they kept saying.

Not, “I have asthma” or some underlying condition that makes it difficult or impossible to wear a mask.

Just, “I’m over it.”

Guess what: We’re all over it.

Nobody wants to wear a mask. Nobody wants to stay away from friends and family.

I lost my life’s work as an international live event speaker overnight (the live conference industry isn’t coming back for at least 18 more months).

I’m over it.

I lost the career I’d spent 15 years building with our first baby on the way.

Speaking of which, my wife hasn’t been able to spend time with family or a single person during her pregnancy, our first and likely only. Our baby likely won’t be able to meet its grandparents or other family for an indefinite amount of time after being born.

I’m over it.

My grandmother passed away from a sudden and unexpected brain tumor without any underlying conditions or warning signs. It happened in Florida one week into lockdown back in March, which means we couldn’t be there with her. We couldn’t say goodbye. We weren’t able to comfort my grandfather who went through it alone and who wasn’t even allowed into the hospital. We haven’t had a funeral. No closure.

I’m over it.

But you know what? I’m still wearing the mask. I’m staying away from people.

To protect my wife, who is pregnant and has lifelong severe asthma. To protect my grandfather, who we managed to safely drive up here without any human contact – an 85 year old in a car for 22 hours with no hotels.

I’m wearing a mask and staying away to protect you and yours.

The kicker: When it was this person’s turn to get their order, they walked right up to the pickup area, into another customer’s immediate space without waiting.

That’s the communal area where we all pick up our food.

Your rights end when you put others in danger. That is and has always been the case.

If you can’t put the needs of the community over your own, stay home and out of public places where the rest of us are doing our best to protect ourselves and each other.

In three months this was the first time I was willing to get out of my car and stand around for a pickup, and only because my pregnant wife, who has been a rock through all of this, without her support system during her first pregnancy, who figured out as a licensed therapist how to switch 100% to tele-health to continue providing care to young children in at-risk situations, who had that once-in-a-lifetime first pregnancy completely upended, just wanted some fancy donuts.

We’ve stayed home for three months. No stores, no public areas, nothing.

And then I had to listen to you whine about how you’re “just over it.”

I don’t actually want to die for those donuts.

Please have some empathy. Some common decency. When you’re waiting in a communal area, wear the mask. It’s a few minutes of discomfort for the health, safety, and courtesy of the entire community.

All of us are stronger than any of us.

The masks aren’t the point

Now that you’ve read the original post, I’d like to make a few remarks. First, the incredible outpouring of love and support for this post made me realize how desperately anxious and frustrated people truly are by the situation.

Second, I was blown away that there were only three detracting comments among hundreds. I expected a lot more blowback. One of those detractors posted quite bluntly:

“I’m not wearing a stupid mask either. It does nothing to protect anyone.”

My instinct was, of course, to fire back. But as we see every day on social media, responding with rage, accusations, or even just exasperation does nothing to further the conversation. Quite the opposite, in fact. And I truly wanted to understand this point of view. So I wrote back:

“Thank you for commenting. I’m sure it’s not easy to be one of the few dissenting voices among the majority.
You can see in this thread 500 people from your small, local community who have expressed an outpouring of appreciation for those wearing masks.
You’ve heard from parents of immunocompromised children, folks with many underlying diseases that through no fault of their own make them high risk, pregnant women, and more.
Leaving aside the science of whether or not they actually work for a moment, what makes you so unwilling to do a small, selfless act to help your entire community feel safe?”

I’m very happy to say I got a response:

“I really appreciate your kind approach. I don’t go out much and I’m really sure I’m not sick. I never was a fan of shaking hands with people in business or at church, I avoided it at all costs! I never touch railings or door handles. I always wash my grocery cart handles with a disinfectant wipe – been doing it for 25 years since my kids were little. I’m not going to wear a mask and I feel that if people are that compromised or frightened, they should not go get donuts. The so called experts have waffled many times and I frankly don’t believe them. Thank you for your kind approach. I can delete my comment if people feel sad by my sentiments. I’m not the only one who feels this way. I think the politics are ruling the pandemic rules and people are just falling in line like sheep. It’s bad, I get it. Flatten the curve by staying home, I agreed for 4-6 weeks, fine with it. Hospitals need to function again, people need to resume their lives. I’m not comfortable in a mask and I’m not going to wear it. I keep my distance as I always have.”

Okay, there’s a lot there. What’s worth noting is that by responding with genuine curiosity and calmness, I was able to bridge the gap with someone who just one comment earlier was agitated and ready to fight. Here we actually have a chance to connect. Not necessarily agree, but at least understand.

My public reply:

I’m going to try not to get sucked into a science debate here. My only remark would be, science is an ongoing process. Our understanding of the natural world improves with testing and research. Yes, there have been conflicting reports about masks. But you can bet that their understanding of the situation 3 months in is much, much better than it was just a week or two into a once-in-a-hundred-years novel virus outbreak.

Regarding avoiding touching rails or door handles, wiping down carts, etc – those things are great. But they are things you’re doing to keep yourself safe. What this thread is about is how we can all make small sacrifices to keep others safe.

This thread was about selflessness and community. I’m much more concerned about the bubbling “me over everyone else” attitude than how accurate the science of mask-wearing is.

I’ve been quarantined until this weekend for three months, which means there’s basically 0 chance I have the virus.

I know that, but the folks waiting for curbside pickup don’t. I wear the mask to help them feel safe around me. To ease their anxiety. To be a part of a community that takes care of each other.

“I’m not comfortable so I’m not going to wear it” is really my main concern here.

Does it make sense why others might (rightly or wrongly) view that as selfish, or showing a lack of compassion?

Together is Better

The reason I’m so frustrated with folks who refuse to wear masks or come into other’s space in public isn’t that I think there’s a next-level danger associated with it. I mean, there probably is a heightened risk, because we know how transmissible this virus is, but I don’t think it’s end-of-days.

I’m so frustrated because it’s patently selfish behavior. The best thing about America is that we are a nation of individuals. The worst thing about America is that we are a nation of individuals.

It is apparently incredibly difficult to convince people to eschew their own short-term discomfort for the greater good, or long-term benefits, and that deeply upsets me.

Please consider that our efforts to make others feel safe, secure, seen, and understood are just as valuable as those that actually do.

I am reminded of my friend Getrude Matshe, who graced my podcast last year to speak about the African philosophy of Ubuntu:

“In Africa we believe that humanity is one: I could not be here without you, and you could not be there without me. So it’s in the observation of each other that we exist.”

In one of my favorite moments, Getrude describes this call-and-respond process:

“It’s interwoven in so many ways. Like, if you wake up in the morning, you say to someone, “Good morning, how did you rise?” And the answer is, “I woke up well if you woke up well.” So if you’re not okay, I’m not okay.”

There are a lot of folks who aren’t okay right now. I’m not okay either. Let’s make things better, together.

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